9:30 : Woke up after a long night at John’s bachelor party. Got drunk a little bit. Still feeling dizzy. Told Cashley that he should stop cuddling and must go back to Cherryl. She called up twice last night.

9:45 : Mum gave me a weird look as Cashley left our place. I just gave a shrug. I’ll forgive her. She just arrived from Ghana two days ago. She’ll get used to it.

10:15: Broke my abacus that was gifted to me by my tribal chief back home. Bastard ! I made a calculation that we finish 5 points ahead of ManYoo ! BASTARDSSSSS !

10:25 : Mum tell me she gift me new calculator for birthday. Me Happy !

11:00 : Put on the DVD player to see my last gasp equalizer against that scum from North London at the Emirates. Me very Happy !

12:30 : Mum says seeing the same video 73 times is boring. So I switch to the video where I tackle Did Hamman. I look at mum and smile. Mum shut her trap then.

1:05 : Called up Pizza girl for lunch. Tell mum she can eat the pizza. I eat the girl . Sadly the girl run away and I had to settle for the pizza.

2:30 : Decide to sleep . I notice Chelsea pay salary on weight basis. Fat Frank get lots of quid. So does that Nazi. Me want more bees and honey too . See I now speaking cockney slang. BITCH !

6:30 : Go for walk with Cashley’s albino brother Joe. Joe is also cute. I suggest the three of us should have some fun. Joe say I am a naughty boy. He like it.

6:45: Some doggie follow Joe and chase him. So I tackle doggie. Joe tells me it is Jose’s doggie. I make plan to tell Jose that last night at the party we put the doggie in the cake and gift it to John but Fat Frank ate the cake before we could tell him that the doggie was inside.

7:45 : Call up Gaffer and tell him about the Fat Frank and his doggie. Gaffer sound very angry. Say he go to jail or something. But he tell me I am nice boy for telling truth and he is proud of everything. He also tell me that I should control myself and not go on a raping spree in Central London. He tell me to stick to humans only. I say you not to worry Josie.

8:30 : Had dinner. Decide that I break Thierry Henry’s legs next time at the bridge. Ut then I not sure if Henry stay or go to Barca, or Real….or Inter. I give up. I break Adebayor’s legs next season. He not going anywhere !

8:35 : Make mental note to call up Joey Barton and ask for advice.

9:30 : Tomorrow John getting married. I told Cashley he would look great in that white dress. Cashley tells me Cherryl is going on a promotional tour next week and we can have the entire apartment to ourself. Must find a watchman because mum will be alone.

9:45 : Make note that watchman should not be scouser.

9:55 : In bed. Dreaming about how Cashley will look as bridesmaid. Will tell you tomorrow. Goodnight my dear dairy . Yours, Micheal !